I am still here

Late Night

2006-05-12T23:53:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't blogged in a while so I don't know who will read this it is Friday night about midnight and I am still awake. This has been a hard week for me I have always had confidence in myself when it comes to work I have always just known how to get the job done no matter what it is from fixing a car to troubleshooting a multi relay high voltage electrical panel I guess I inherited that gene from my dad but this past week I have gotten into my new role with the company I work for and I have been completely overwhelmed I have been working a lot of hours and still am not getting things done. All my co-workers say I am doing great and they seem to be sincere but I do not feel any self satisfaction on top of that my dad started working on a job for my brother in Nevada.... This really bothers me I have never really liked terry and I don't think he realizes dad is getting older and needs to watched over I am scared dad will push himself too hard and it will be my fault and something bad will happen the only time terry ever calls is if he needs money and he never even tries to pay it back. I called dad the other day just to see what he was doing he said he was pouring concrete he is 72 years old he shouldn't be doing that I hope that I am wrong about terry and dad is taking it easy I don't know how I would take it if something happened

Guilty pleasures

2006-01-14T20:54:00.000-08:00

I have been tagged by heidi for my guilty pleasures......................

1. I love the fried cheese curds at kfc i know they are really good for me and healthy but i like them any way

2.my favorite candy is peanut butter cups i love them i like to take my time eating them and when i am done i always want more when i go to old sac i always have to get a white choclate one from the candy shop very tasty

3. i like to sit out in my office drink beer and listen to my music alone, been doing it a lot more lately, not sure if thats good or bad

4. i loves my wifes body...........................enough said

5. I love to shoot guns not for hunting nessecarily but just at targets or shooting skeet it is fun it relaxes me and it energizes me i love it

I tag heather

FEAR

2006-01-07T23:24:00.000-08:00

Fear is dying
fear is happiness
fear is living
fear is sadness
fear is trying
fear is progress
fear is losing
fear is loneliness
fear is failing
fear is love

quotable

2006-01-07T23:11:00.000-08:00

" The hardest prison from which to escape is that of your mind" - anonymous

I saw this spray painted on a wall near my work just thought I would share it made sense to me

Friggin Weirdo

2006-01-06T20:58:00.000-08:00

o.k. heather tagged me for 5 weird facts about me here they go..........................................

1. I love peanut butter on my biscuts and gravy it is yummy in fact i wont uasually eat them with out peanut butter i have ate B and G that way since i was a kid also I will only eat pancakes with peanut butter and syrup

2.maybe this isnt that weird but i refuse to litter even a straw wrapper I dont really believe in karma but i think its bad karma to litter and besides there is always a garbage can everywhere you go if you litter its cause you are lazy

3. I like kelly clarkson I am not gay i swear my wife will attest to that i just think that girl can sing i like everything i have heard from her

4. i like to mix reeses pieces and junior mints together and eat them i dunno the flavor combonation is really good mmmmmmmmmmmmm minty peanutbutterey yum

5. I like to walk in the rain it feels good and refreshing i lets my mind open up and i can get some good thinking time in

I am tagging joe montana, michael jackson, and carroTTop

resolutions

2005-12-31T23:50:00.000-08:00

New Years Resolutions

1. get down to 250
2. be more positive
3. learn to love myself
4. read a lot more
5. make my wife smile everyday more than once
6. be a better father
7. stop caring about what other people think
8. be smarter with finances
9. ride my motorcycle more
10. go to vegas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAPPY NEW YEAR

Killing my shadow

2005-11-26T21:27:00.000-08:00

O.K. Here is another one of my poems let me know what u think it is one of my favorites

D

KILLING MY SHADOW

I am being followed by a maniac,
A man with a murderous rage
He is with me every day
a man I am NOT willing to engage

Confrontation is impossible
He knows my every move
Only when darkness falls
Can his presence I remove

He threatens my innocence,
The pureness I portray
He means me no harm
Only my enemies are his prey

He should be a friend in this lonely world
A comfort to see when all else disappears
Now he has come to test my sanity
And validate my greatest fears

He brings out the rage inside me
The revenge I swore I was above
The hate buried deep inside
And all the feelings I thought I was free of

I have to find the courage
To kill the man on my tail
For he will surly overtake me
With a vengeance if I fail

The battle will be hard and long
But I wont have to wonder where he will be
Everywhere I go I see him there
The evil twin that resembles me

Flight CANCELLED

2005-11-22T20:22:00.000-08:00

Noelles flight was cancelled tonight cause of fog I was really looking forward to seeing her in the morning since aug.13 i have seen her for about 12 hours i cannot describe how fucked up this is i dunno how i am going to do this there is another fligh tomorrow at 930 pm but no gaurentee that wont be cancelled as well. I fell like i left her, let her down like now maybe i made the wrong decision by letting them move there i have alway said we will be there soon but it has never seemed so far away never relized how much i need her with me, but its too late now. i am so tired i have always been plagued with bad decisions but i think i really fucked up this time

Darren Needs.................

2005-11-01T14:48:00.000-08:00

following heidis lead I went to google and typed in darren needs and these were the first 15 that popped up....................weird

Darren needs a hobby
Darren needs… a shave
Darren needs someone to chat to, but you've looked a bit down actually
Darren needs to risk his life
Darren needs parents who will enjoy his many attractive qualitieswhile being realistic about his limitations
Darren should know that if he ever needs to "crash and burn", we're here for himnow and always
Darren needs all the extrastrength, determination and luck that he can muster tosurvive trials which slice, burn and almost drown him
Darren needs to be with (his wife
Darren needs to see a level of commitment
Darren needs an alert
Darren needs to take another look at what he has written
Darren needs to take another look at what he has written
Darren needs to go to a Championship team
Darren needs all his survival skills to get through safely
Darren, needs all the strength and encouragement he can get.

I am It

2005-10-27T17:12:00.000-07:00

OK I got tagged by my wife so like Noelle would Say " I'll play your silly little game"

1. I miss my friends
2. I wish I was still playing softball
3. I really do think I am damn sexy................for a big guy
4. I really love playing poker but never play
5. I like beer, I like the way it smells, tastes, and after a hot long day there is nothing better
6. I am faithfull for the first time
7. I really am in love with my wife
8. I like her feet too
9. I wish I was closer to my mother
10. when th 49ers lose i get grouchy but i still love em
11. sometimes i just wanna say "fuck it!" and move to the mountains be a hermit
12. i love to ride my motorcycle but dont get to do it often
13. I have really high blood pressure
14. I love my wifes body
15. I hate what i do for a living
16. I wish I would have gone to college
17. I think my kids are beautiful
18. I love peanut butter on my biscuts and gravy mmmmmmmmmm good
19. I think I am smarter than most people, but maybe a little worn out.
20. I miss Noelle a- lot

Bittersweet

2005-10-20T09:42:00.000-07:00

ok here is another on for those of you who didnt think i had it in me hope you like it
and on a legal note all poems on this blog are property of darren rumph and cannot be re published

BITTERSWEET

I am sitting here scared with my hands and feet bound
Seeing my wife cry but not hearing a sound

I wonder how I got here my lucks never been good
But I don’t believe I deserve to die like a killer should

This morning I hugged the kids one last time
And whispered to them all that I would be fine

For the last time I shook my friends hand and he told me to fight
I said it was over that this was my plight

For 10 long years I have wondered why,
That man got on the stand and told that great lie

But for the last 2 I gave up that quest
He just didn’t like me was all I could guess

So here now I sit in my death chair
Feeling the victims family hateful stare

No last words, nothing left to be said
At this point in my life I wished I was dead

So with a nod from the warden leather covers my eyes
I think of kissing my wife and my moms pecan pies

I hear the transformer turn on and feel the power surge in my vein
My mind screams with numbness and my body fills with pain

And just as I begin my death descent
The last voice I ever heard was the wardens screaming stop he’s innocent

happy halloween

2005-10-18T18:57:00.000-07:00

hey just wanted to get everyone in the halloween spirit so i wrot this little poem hope you enjoy

DO UNTO OTHERS
The moon is full
The sky is clear
Midnight is drawing near
I am alone
Or so I thought
My body trembles with undying fear

I should not have done this
I should not have come
I should not have shot him with this gun

Now the body is missing
Where is the corpse?
How did I end up in a story so warped?
I needed the blood
I needed the gore
I needed to kill just once more

He was dead I was sure
Two shots to the head
Nothing could endure
With a drink to celebrate I let my guard down
In the darkness surrounding
He disappeared without sound

Drunk and confused
Scared and alone
I get in my truck and start for home
When all of a sudden it came with a crash
A rock through my windshield
On my shoulder a deep gash

I screech to a halt working to breathe
With my head pounding and blood on my sleeve
I look to my right nothing there
But as I turn to my left I met his dead stare
He was angry I know he had death in his eyes
Forget fighting he was twice my size

How could this be?
He was dead I just know
Lying on the ground I saw his blood flow
But now here he is, dead he may be
No doubt about it he is coming for me

I rushed for my gun
but what good would that do
he was already dead
he’s not like me or you

as I fumbled the bullets
he came with a crash
and watched my blood spill all over the dash
With one quick swipe my jaw was gone
And I prayed to a god
Don’t let this take long
But he couldn’t help it
He didn’t care
And that was the last time I ever hunted a Bear

BOISE

2005-10-07T20:01:00.000-07:00

HERE ARE THE PICS FROM OUR IDAHO TRIP LAST WEEKEND THIS IS THE 3RD TIME I HAVE TRIED TO POST THEM THE FIRST IS WHEN NOELLE OPENED THE DOOR AND SAW US FOR THE FIRST TIME SHE WAS SHOCKED! SHE REALLY LOOKS GROWN UP IN THESE PICS THE SECOND IS HER BEDROOM AND HER STUFFED DOG SHE NAMED DARREN FUNNY AND THE THIRD IS FROM BREAKFAST SUNDAY MORNING SHE DID NOT WANT TO EAT HER PANCAKE CAUSE SHE DIDNT WANT TO MESS UP THE FACE, SO KIMBERLY TOOK A PICTURE OF IT AND SAID SHE WOULD SEND IT TO HER. THE LAST ONE IS FROM OUR WAY HOME OF THE PRETTY SKY ........................i MISS NOELLE ALREADY.

very excited

2005-09-30T12:50:00.000-07:00

I am very excited tomorrow myself and kimberly are going to drive to idaho to see my noelle it will only be for a few hours though but i am very excited to see her i cant wait till this damn day is over with and we can be on our way she dosent know we are coming either so its a suprise hopefully she will be happy to see us we are going to take her to a movie and to dinner and then let her stay with us in the hotel i miss her so much i wish we could take her back home with us but it will be great to see her even if it is only for a little while :)

untitled

2005-09-05T18:51:00.000-07:00

.............I open my eyes I try to see but I am blinded by the white light, I cant remember how, I cant remember why Im lying here tonight, and i cant stand the pain and i cant make it go away, no I cant stand the pain, how can this happen to me, I've made my mistakes, got nowhere to run the night goes on as im fading away...............for some reason I have these lyrics by simple plan stuck in my head i makes me think of my noelleee belly. today i had a family bbq with my inlaws and my sister and her family while it turned out great and everyone seemed to have a good time i was missing a part of my family, my daughter noelle. I talked to her earlier in the day and she seemed really happy although she kept asking when she could come stay with us again and when she came she wanted to stay for a long time i didnt know what to say I wanther to come and stay for a long time, hell I want her to come and stay for good and not leave but i know she would miss her mom. I used to think that being with her mom was best for her but anymore I dont know I know we have a family here she has a little sister and a big brother and all the love she could ever hope for......but I dont know little girls just need their mothers i think and we will be in Idaho within a year or two I just miss her

sissy

2005-08-31T19:11:00.000-07:00

back in december my little sis needed to come home from to new orleans where she had lived for the past ten years she was going through a break up and i needed to be there for her so i drove the 2300 miles to pick her up and to tow her car back. and i can honestly tell you i have never been more gratefull for doing that than i am today. I cannot imagine being here and seing what i have been seeing on the news and on the internet with her still there and no way of knowing how she is or if she is o.k. I would probably be in my truck on my way to nola to find her and get her out of there. but she is HERE and for that i am happy Love ya heidi

positivity

2005-08-24T17:23:00.000-07:00

For the fisrst time since High School I am not working for my dad or for myself I got a real Job with a company here in sac. while i am starting to enjoy the job and the freedom it brings I feel like something is missing like i am wasting my time there I dont know it is hard to explain almost like i am biding my time until something big happens. I have a side project going making a BBQ seasoning, that excites me i sell about 50-60 bottles a month with out doing a thing to try and sell it. I know that if i just put a little effort into it, it would take off........ so why havent I? why havent i taken the time and visit stores and try to make this successful? is it because i am afraid of repeating past failures, or maybe i am lazy, or is that i am afraid of success. well i dont think it is fear of success hell i am ready for that and i dont think its that i am lazy, but maybe in the back of my head i am thinking " what the hell is the point what are the odds this is going to take off" I know i need to stay positive sometimes it is just downright hard. but i am working at it, I think it will work out

I like beer

2005-08-16T17:17:00.000-07:00

I like beer, it tasts great and is less filling I am not much of a wine drinker, as a matter of fact I think most of it is pretty gross, and for the most part I dont drink much hard alcohol tequila es el diablo. but beer on the other hand I tend to consume on a regular basis nothing beats a cold beer after a hard day of work, dont you agree?

2005-08-14T17:21:00.000-07:00

still here

2005-08-14T16:49:00.000-07:00

I am still here, some times it seems i have been to hell and back but i am still here I have survived a divorce and felt i would lose my daughters affection when it was over she still loves me and i survived i am still here. when i lived at a apartment above my work for 9 months with my best friend and dealt with my divorce, my daughter, and the guilt of not ever being able to please or satisfy my father i came to the conclusion that it probably would not be an easy road for me but i survived, I am still here. I have been through 2 failed business ventures and seemingly endless fininacial troubles but with the support from my wife i survived, i am still here. when I met my 2nd wife about 3 years ago and i thought things were finally beginning to turn around for me, she has been my rock, my love, my companion,we are great together like peanut butter and jelly i started like being here again.....about 5 months ago my ex wife asked me for permission to move my daughter out of state it was the hardest decision i have ever made but i let her go thinking it would be the best situation for her to be able to grow up in a better enviroment have a big house in a quite safe neighborhood isnt that what we all want for our kids it was hard to be unselfish but i was and believe i made the right decision for her, yesterday i had to say goobye to her it was the hardest thing i ever have done trying to not break down in the airport while i was hugging the sweetest 6 year old girl in the world was impossible i will see her again in 2 to 3 months she needs me and i need her, I am surviving i will still be here.